Even if we knew what to expect from a Steel Panther press conference – a parodic moment with a lot of nasty jokes – the result exceeded our hopes. Steel Panther isn’t a simple rock band made of prankster musicians. Steel Panther, especially Lexxi Foxx who spend his time fixing his make-up, embodies their character without stepping out of their role for a second.

The music missing is the only thing that makes their press conferences different of their live shows. The joke fest is here, and it starts as soon as they made it in the press area, after a preliminary introduction by singer Michael Starr: “I think we should start this press conference by saying: ‘Montrez-moi vos nichons !’ [‘Show me your tits!’ ] And also: ‘Je bande !’ [‘I’m hard!’]”.

Before letting anyone say anything, the bandmembers started to monopolize the microphones interviewing each other and parodying our profession that, let’s be honest, totally deserves it.

Satchel (guitar): I have a question, I have a question. Michael, you’re the lead singer of one of the most amazing heavy metal bands every to exist on Planet Earth. How amazing is it to play with Satchel, who’s so fucking good on guitar?

Michael Starr (vocals): Being in Steel Panther is like being inside a beautiful girl’s vagina all the time. It’s nice, it’s warm, it’s juicy, it smells good, and it’s fun.

Satchel (guitar): I have a question for Stix: what’s it like playing with one of the greatest heavy metal guitar players of all time?

Stix Zadinia (drums): It’s like being on top of a really, really big fat girl: it’s cozy and comfortable. I know that every time I’m with her, we’re gonna be beat out and eat pizza after we have sex.

Michael Starr (vocals): I love pizza! [to Stix] I just want to point out that, in this light, you have a hair sticking out of your nose. No, it’s still there, other side… Excellent, that’s it!

Satchel (guitar): Thank for fixing the nose hair!

Michael Starr (vocals): Has anybody in this room seen Steel Panther before? [noticing a girl in the room] Oh yeah, I’ve seen you backstage. [sniffs] Yeah, I remember, that was you!

Satchel (guitar): I have a question for Lexxi Foxxx: what it’s like being in a band with one of the greatest guitar players of all time?

Lexxi Foxxx (bass): I didn’t know you were gonna ask me, so I have to think. It’s like being on a giant swingset, and there’s a big, giant Viking to push you, and you can go so far on the swingset, it’s like the biggest swingset in the whole world. And when you get off the swingset, there’s a bunch of cocaine that you can snore. And then you can… [the other bandmembers cut him]

Stix Zadinia (drums): I have a question for Satchel.

Satchel (guitar): Why does it sound like you’re speaking into a pillow right now? Yeah, what is it?

Stix Zadinia (drums): Satchel, what is it like to be in the best heavy metal band in the world?

Satchel (guitar): God, I gotta tell you, I’ve always wanted to be in Metallica. But I’m in Steel Panther, and I love it, it’s almost as good. You know what? It’s almost as good as being in Metallica, that’s amazing!

Michael Starr (vocals): I got a question for you, Stix: how did you feel your second record, Balls Out, was perceived? Do you think it was received as well as Feel The Steel?

Stix Zadinia (drums): I think it was received just as good as Feel The Steel. Especially in France. I think the media and the fans really loved the record, and it’s well received by most French people. And it’s awesome to be able to play with Satchel.

Satchel (guitar): I have a question for Michael Starr: here at this press conference, which girl in the room would you first fuck?

Michael Starr (vocals): This girl right here.

Satchel (guitar):  She’s so pretty, and she looks like she really is good in bed, too. I think the legal age here is…

Stix Zadinia (drums): 15, I’m pretty sure.

Michael Starr (vocals): The legal age is what, fifteen? That’s it, I’m moving to France.

Lexxi Foxxx (bass): I have a question for you, Satchel. Do you know how a baby cow is called?

Satchel (guitar): A baby cow is called a calf.

Michael Starr (vocals): Nice. I have another question for Lexxi: do you wear your make-up when you go to bed?

Lexxi Foxxx (bass): Sometimes I do. It depends on if I’m with a really hot chick. But other times, I put cucumbers and tomatoes over my eyes, so I don’t have to have that much Botox. I also sleep with a hot towel, but I cut holes out so I can breathe and stay alive.

Satchel (guitar): I have a question, Michael. I know I asked a similar question earlier, but if you had to fuck somebody in the band, who would be the first person in the band that you would fuck?

Michael Starr (vocals): I would have sex with you.

Satchel (guitar): Thank you.

Michael Starr (vocals): You’re welcome.

Satchel (guitar): You know who I would fuck first in the band? I would fuck Lexxi.

Lexxi Foxxx (bass): Thank you, guys.

Satchel (guitar): And after Lexxi, my second choice to fuck in the band would be Michael, and then it would be you, Stix. How many people like to fuck? Raise your hand! Wow, hold on a second… These guys didn’t raise their hands. You don’t like to fuck? Wow!

Michael Starr (vocals): So it’s our first time here, our first time doing Hellfest, and our goal is to headline Hellfest next year.

Lexxi Foxxx (bass): [hearing the set of a band on one of the Hellfest’s stages] It’s like a bunch of elephants are running behind us and we’re gonna get trampled. But it’s not, it’s just a band, so don’t worry.

Satchel (guitar):  It’s a new band called Herd Of Elephants.

After this first chapter, the band graces the audience with the right to ask them a few questions and goes as far as answering some of them, still having some breaks here and there to talk about sex, an admittedly way more interesting topic. When asked about the band’s preparation before shows, Steel Panther starts by saying: “I love shaved pussy!” before going on: “You know what we do, we just go out there and give ourselves 100%. We try our best, we try out new strategies, and we’ll try to give them next time. We just gotta keep our head up and play hard” Satchel chimes in : “I couldn’t hear you, but whatever these guys said, I agree with. We’re a team. Make some noise for that! Let the hot girl back there speak.”

As if the band’s relevance wasn’t absolutely obvious, Steel Panther adds as a reminder: “Heavy metal went away in 1991 because of like Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden. But we never stopped playing heavy metal, ever. Our mission is to bring heavy metal back, and that’s what we’re doing right now.”. Why just now while the bandmembers are musicians since the end of the 80s’? : “We weren’t lazy. The world just wasn’t ready yet.”

Regarding the censorship the band had to face for “17 Girls In A Row” or for Balls Out’s artwork: “We wrote a song called ‘17 Girls In A Row’, which was majorly censored. We just said: ‘Fuck you. We’re just gonna do the song the way we want to do it, and if you don’t like it, fuck you.’ And now we’re here in Hellfest because we said fuck you! The bottom line is this: censorship is bullshit.”

A brave band who exemplify its courage by the testicular metaphor of their last record’s title, Balls Out. Steel Panther goes further explaining this metaphor: “Every time you take your balls out, you’re getting a chance that’s it’s cold. But if you’re committed to putting your balls out, you gotta do it. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. It’s always scary, you never know. Some people might laugh at your balls. Or kick you in the balls. It’s a very scary thing to take your balls out. By taking your balls out, you’re showing that you have the courage to face the world. Not only that, but when you take your balls out, it feels good, cause it’s very breezy… [Playing at interrupting each other] Could you stop interrupting me, please?! I was gonna say that’s where we got the title for the album from. That’s what it means, it’s a metaphor for putting your balls out. When you do that, it’s breezy […] Yeah, I like to shave my balls. I think everyone should shave their balls. How many girls like it when guys shave their balls? Raise your hand if you like shaved balls! There you go. I knew you were gonna raise your hand!! How many girls like hairy balls? Raise your hand. Same one, isn’t that weird?! How many do not like balls? Raise your hand! How many girls like to eat pussy instead? Raise your hand! Wow, there’s one! How many girls like to eat food? No one. Wow, you are so serious!”

Except for being headliners at the Hellfest 2013, what are Steel Panther’s conquest plans? Why not a festival? And what would be its name? “BallFest? Yeah, pretty cool. Vagina Fest? BoobFest? I don’t know, that’s a tough question. Hot Pussy Festival 2012? PantherPalooza!”

Just like a concert final, the bandmembers end up singing “We Are Steel Panther, Yeah” and having the journalists who, during this conference, were the audience of a comedy show more than journalists, singing with them.

Press Conference : June, 16th, 2012 at Hellfest Open Air (Clisson, France)
Transcription : Saff’

Steel Panther’s website : www.steelpantherrocks.com